With Friends Like These

Change and suffering creating pockets of perspective

Let me explain.

A week ago I got some nasal surgery and I’ve been sleeping sitting up on the couch ever since. It’s tiring, uncomfortable, and gives me lots of time to think. I’ve found pockets of perspective even as I’ve been “off roading” a bit on an emotional ride.

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Someone once told me that getting sick, injured, or suffering loss will show you who cares and who your real friends are. It’s a harrowing the brings the truth to light.

So, are those people from work, who buy you birthday cake, just people you know, or friends that will show up for you? Does anyone really pray for people on the prayer list? But also do those people tell the people they are praying for that they are praying, or do they hope an angel does that part?

And more importantly, how does praying for someone really matter if the person feels isolated and forgotten, merely because praying checked off the box for “caring” and nothing more happens?

Of prayer lists, I’m not really a fan and I’ll tell you about it.

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I’m not saying it’s a good thing, but unless I’m out of my mind with desperation, I avoid adding my suffering to a prayer list. That’s a confession, but I’m not ready to change.

Usually, I only ask a few people to pray for me. I think that’s because knowing they are thinking of me in prayer feels encouraging.

I know that most people don’t realize that prayer is for changing us. Many people think it creates a sequence of events that knock on God’s door enough times, that the old guy relents and helps out. (Not that any of that imagery is accurate…that’s for literary affect to indicate and accentuate the disparity.)

But, I also realize that people knowing about your pain doesn’t mean they will be helpful—whether they want to, whether the feel obligated to care, or they don’t.

As a one-time pastor’s kid, I’m all too acquainted with church culture. It’s weird, even icky. But once in a great while, it’s just right. Goldilocks.

Generally, my experience taught me that 80% of the time “prayer concerns” is just another way to say “sharing news”. It’s more of an announcement than a vehicle to avail care. People in the pews too often confuse knowing about things and then feeling feelings with helping. Caring is kept theoretical but thought to be, or given credit as, enacted. But, nope. It’s unhelpful.

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So, if you don’t know, when you’re down, it seems like this happens: A few friends show up for you. This is more likely if you’re bit lucky and you’ve been investing in the friendship robustly so they remember you are connected.

And also true, that may lessen the sting, is to understand that most church folk from your church are people of mutual friendliness. You are just mildly connected because you converse briefly once (or maybe twice) a week. They are people you are familiar with who sort of know you. These folk are not enemies or strangers. But, don’t let the niceties of church culture fool you. It’s a shallow well you can’t expect to draw from.

There’s an old adage that I find makes little sense now:

It needs an update:

A friend in need is a friend indeed.

A friend in need is someone on the prayer list I should probably remember.

A friend in need is a hassle and not exactly a friend.

A person I know, a wee bit, is struggling.
I’m sure someone closer to them is helping out. Poor thing. That’s too bad.

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But, here’s the thing ALSO!
And it’s a bit of learning curve to metabolize this, for some of us.

In truth, people are busy more than they are mean, malicious, or unkind.

And…